A Father's Grief

Expressed below is the raw truth about how my grief affects me; some of it ugly, some of it good:


"Grief will be expressed."  In times of great sorrow, this fact is inevitable.  My grief has caused me to weep without control; to cry out to the Lord and beg of him; to lose patience without warrant; to praise God with a deeper passion than I previously knew; to depend on my wife in a whole new way.  My grief wants me to be sad, because my sorrow feels like a testament of my love for Noah.  It fears moving on with my life, because to move on feels like forgetting.  My grief is never fully gone, just temporarily contained.  Even in the midst of the best distractions (playing with my daughter, laughing with my wife, watching sports), my grief weighs on my chest like a pending exam. 

I must not ignore, suppress, or hide my grief, because it will express itself.  Failure to face it would allow it to fester inside of me, to grow into a monster that would be destructive to myself and my relationships with others.

They say that grief can be a wedge.  I take that to mean that grief is something that can take a crack and turn it into a crevice.  Nothing has helped me with grief as much as the strength and depth of my marriage to Katie.  We are in no way perfect, but we have always communicated and worked on our issues as they arise.  This healthy practice in marriage has eliminated cracks for grief to wedge open.  Grief doesn't always draw a couple into a deeper relationship, but it often is the wedge that splits two people apart.  I couldn't heal in this process without my wife!

I have not allowed myself to ask the question "Why?", although I cannot say I never will.  I feel it is not my place to know why; rather, I entrust that question to God.  I trust Him, knowing that He is good, just, merciful, loving, powerful, and righteous.  He determines why, and does not always share it with me.  But I rest in the knowledge that what He does, and why He does it, is right!  My grief would have me ask "Why"; it would assume I deserve the answer, but I am aided by my knowledge of the book of Job: real grief caused for reasons he could not comprehend, yet God never explains why.  Job questions why and God simply replies with "Who are you to question Me?" 

It is said that grief is a process, and that much I am sure of.  It doesn't disappear overnight; it can't be dealt with in a day.  I am not, however, convinced that I have to go through all the stages of grief in order to properly grieve.  I don't feel that just because I never got angry or depressed that I somehow did not grieve as much as someone who did go through those things.  How much I loved Noah, and how much it hurts now that he is gone, is not lesser because I choose not to get angry.  I suppose, however, that it is still to be seen all the stages that I will go through.

My grief needs to be informed of the positive.  I remind it that much good has come of this situation.  There are incredible blessings that have come along with this heartache.  I was blessed with a son; a son that I got to love.  We have been blessed by the overwhelming proof that we are part of the loving family of God, who have all poured out their love and care for us.  I am blessed to be deepened in my dependency on God; and amazingly we have been able to share our faith with people we wouldn't have been able to without this loss.  My grief must be reminded of these blessings, and so many others, in order that it is not allowed to blind my heart.

Finally, two simple things have alone been of greatest comfort in my grief: ears and arms.  It is a great comfort to me to be able sit with someone who I know cares and have them just listen to me express my grief.  Often people feel the need to say something comforting, and although I appreciate their words, nothing comforts me like a person who actively listens.  Secondly, the arms of a heartfelt hug are of nearly equal comfort to that of listening ears.  Nothing, including ears and arms, will take away my sorrow, but knowing that someone cares and wants to bear some of my burden is very comforting still.

My prayer is that by sharing the depths of my grief uncensored others who will go through grief may benefit from these thoughts, and that we can resonate together to turn our loss into gain for the Glory of God!  Remember, we have a Savior who knows loss and grief intimately.  Jesus bore it all on the cross, and there is no depth of grief and sorrow that He has not experienced, and that He has not overcome.  In Him, we have victory over all tragedies.

Mark Worth

Noah Matthew

James 1:17 tells us that “Every good and perfect gift is from above”.  We think of this verse when we find our spouse, when we find a job that meets our needs, or when God provides a place to live.  However, there are times we must look deeper to see the blessing.  Allow us to share with you a blessing we received from the Lord that came at great cost.

 A few months back, Mark and I had the privilege of learning that we were expecting another child.  We were nervous, and unsure about how we would handle this life change financially.  We were, however, still very excited.  We trusted that the Lord would provide what we needed, when we needed it!  As the summer progressed and the fall began, we started to plan.  We had seen our little miracle’s heart beating and saw it jumping on the ultrasound screen.  We were looking forward to expanding our family.

Last week we hit the 19^th week mark of the pregnancy.  We were almost half way.  I had begun to feel a little movement a few weeks back.  More recently it seemed to have stopped.  I was trying to remind myself that moms feel their babies at different times, and that it could take a little while to feel the baby on a regular basis.  However, over the weekend I began experiencing some complications.  Mark and I decided to go the ER to see what was going on.  I think as humans we hope for the best and assume the worst.  Needless to say, we were trusting God through it all.  Sunday we learned that our little one no longer had a heartbeat.  Nothing can prepare your heart to see your baby on a sonogram; A fully formed little person with no flickering beating heart. Mark and I began to fall apart the moment we saw a straight line crawling along the screen indicating there was no life, no heartbeat.

There were many decisions to be made in the hours following the dreadful news.  Due to how far along we were, it was decided we would go to the hospital Monday to be monitored and induced :/.  Our child’s gestational age was about 16.5 weeks.  It is very unusual to lose a child at this point so on top of our grief we worried about the cause of such a late miscarriage.

Monday morning we headed into the hospital to begin the long process.  We had heard it could take days to convince my body it was time to deliver the baby.  God gave us a fantastic nurse.  I was her only patient, and I felt so loved and cared for.  I could not have asked for a better nurse/ friend to help carry me through such a hard process.  As my body started reacting to the medication, I was very glad for pain meds.  However, morphine apparently has no sway on me (a truly devastating revelation at the time). The pain was so very real; physically and emotionally.  Forcing a body into labor that early is in no way God’s design!  Labor was hard, but thankfully my body responded like it was supposed to, and in a very timely manner.  Nothing could have prepared us for what came next; seeing our precious baby.  For those who have ever wondered if a baby in the womb is really a baby…I have news for you!  Even at 16 weeks, and in the midst of all our grief, we recognized the amazing handiwork of God.  We saw our little ones head, hands, all 10 fingers, feet, toes, eyes, ears, nose, mouth…it was all there!  God is amazing! He allowed us to have a little boy.  We named him Noah Matthew.  Noah meaning (rest, comfort) and Matthew meaning (gift of God).  He truly is a gift!  We cried like we had never cried before with him in our arms. Mark and I prayed and cried our hearts out to God, and then we said our goodbyes.  Noah will always be a part of this family, and we miss him greatly!

 We have learned so much through this process, and for us this journey is really just beginning.  We are taking it one day at a time because that is the only way we’ll make it through.  We are so grateful for our friends and family who having been lifting us up in prayer.  Also for those who have been the hands and feet of Jesus.  Thanks for visiting us, crying with us, and being there for us in our time of need.  We most of all want to thank our Lord and Savior.  Without Him we would not be able to deal with such great heartache.  He gives us strength in the midst of pain, peace in the absence of understanding, and hope to carry on; His love knows no bounds!

After reading this post, surely some will wonder how this is a blessing at all?  We consider this part of our life a blessing in many ways.  These last couple of days we have heard from others who we never knew went through this same heartache, they have ministered to us.  We have cried with strangers and family members alike.  We have felt more cared for and embraced than ever before.  Not only have we felt the love of others, but we have felt the love of each other.  It served as a beautiful reminder of the power of a deep intimate marriage as we cried together and comforted one another.  Our perspective has been irrevocably altered for the better, as a parent and as a servant of God.

But the one blessing we keep thanking God for is that He gave us a son!  In the midst of this situation it would be very easy to only think of our loss, but we also celebrate the blessing of having a son, regardless of how short his life may have been.  It is not for us to know who he would have become, but he was our son and we loved him dearly; and that was a great blessing indeed!

October Review

Team Worth has had a crazy few weeks! In early October we went out east to visit my family in NJ. It was a wonderful time, and we thoroughly enjoyed celebrating Eden's very 1st Birthday! We cannot believe it's been over a year now that this precious little girl has been a part of our lives. She is a huge blessing, and we do not thank God enough for how much laughter, energy, joy, and happiness she has brought to our family.

This is a picture from her birthday shoot :)

Then we made a quick stop up in North Eastern PA to visit some friends. We both strangely felt like it was home :). It It is the area we met, fell in love, had our 1st apartment, and started our family. There will always be a special place in our heart for that area. It is safe to say we miss it! Seeing our friends was awesome, our only regret was how little time we got to spend there. My hope is that as our family grows, Mark and I will have the privilege of revisiting that area to remember the "roots" of our relationship. Right now there is great incentive, but I am hoping that in 30 + years we'll still find an excuse to visit!

Mixed in with all our crazy traveling, our precious Eden has been under the weather. She experienced her 1st ear infection the week before her birthday. Needless to say all 3 of us went a little crazy! I have never dealt with more tears and more moodiness from her before. She had more than an ear infection in her defense. We noticed on our loooooong trip that she was popping through her first molar! We have since noticed she is actually working of 4 of them! Goodness gracious girl! I guess I'd rather a few weeks of insanity then a few straight months. You can being praying for her and us though. She has not been sleeping well, which means neither have I. Mark is working nights, so the pleasure is all mine :). ( Not to say Mark doesn't help other times! He really does...but most nights I am alone.) Eden is still nursing and so I am in the process of weaning, trying to get her to eat more solids at each meal, and hoping to get her on a better sleep schedule. She has been waking up quite frequently the last few weeks.(Most likely due to teething) It is very frustrating! I am tired! In the middle of the night I have a hard time experimenting with  other techniques (CIO, not nursing..etc) because I want her to go right back to sleep so I can too! Lol. However, time is tickin' away. She never dropped the middle of the night feeding on her own, so it's time for an intervention. My goal is to be pretty much done with nursing by Christmas. I desperately want a break before #2 arrives in March. So if you think of us, pray that we'll make wise decisions especially when it comes to middle of the night wakeful periods :). I think it's almost time to just let her cry. But after weeks of not getting good sleep already, I am less than enthusiastic about this. I just wish she could talk and tell me if she is hungry. Due to her lack of enthusiasm about solid food, and her increased activity level, it very well still could be a hunger issue : / . Parenting is not for the faint at heart, that's for sure!

For those wondering, Mark's new job is going very well! He is enjoying it, and just wrapped up his final orientation shift last night! So after a month or more of  working with someone else, he has been approved to work solo. He is nervous and excited about this. Some nights are a bit crazy at the hospital, so it can be hard to stay on top of the work load. In some ways it is sad that orienting is over because Mark is no longer guaranteed 5 shifts a week. During the training period they allowed him to work full-time, that helped him finish training in a more timely manner. However, his position is technically only part time (3 shifts a week). He had heard mixed reviews on how easy/hard it was to pick up extra shifts. We happy to report that he was already able to pick up a few for next week! The Lord is good! Plus he still has his foot in at the other job, and works there about 4 times a month. So although the lack of a permanent schedule gets to me, we are thankful God is providing!

 So as October comes to a close, it is time to embrace the holiday season. How is it that this time of year always comes so quickly? The months just seem to pass by. For Team Worth though, we are also counting weeks. Today is 19 weeks. Nineteen weeks into this pregnancy. So November brings with it the start of the 2nd half of this journey. Many of you may want to ask,  "Are you ready to do it all over again!?" Well, the truth is right now, not really lol. It still seems a bit scary, but you must know we are also excited! We know God will give us the strength in the days ahead to balance our family of 4. We still have about 5 months of preparation, and for that we are thankful! :).

So this is our October : We traveled over 30 hrs by car with Eden, we celebrated a birthday, we visited friends in PA, we've all been sick, we've all lost entirely too much sleep, Mark finished orienting, and we are wrapping up the first 1/2 of this pregnancy!

So whether your October was crazy and fun-filled , or a tough month through and through, remember the Lord is your strength! He is there for you! For each new month brings a new perspective and a fresh beginning. Our hope is that by the end of November we find ourselves even more in love with our great God!

TEAM WORTH

10 on 10: October

I am late once again with my 10 on 10. I have had a crazy week or so with my darling Eden.  Eden went from an eye infection to not sleeping, to an ear infection coupled with teething. Oh, and throw in a 16 hr car trip. Not that I should make excuses. I definitely struggle with procrastination. Sorry ladies. I tried on 2 different days to fulfill my quota of 10 pictures. I succeeded on 10-12-12…my daughter’s birthday. So here is how I captured it. There was plenty of preparation to be done for her party on Saturday(today), but I also wanted to make sure I enjoyed my day with her. Mark and I even woke up early and reflected back on the day she arrived.

Official Birthday 6:13am :)...Not the best photo, but we were trying to capture the moment. The  room was so dark we needed a flash. Bonus was she didn't even wake up!

Happy Birthday Girl!

Building blocks with Daddy!

Birthday breakfast, pancakes :)

Birthday plates,napkins and more!

A preview of the birthday girl's outfit!

Tissue paper decor.

Daddy and Eden watching Veggietales!

What a priceless look :)

JOYFUL!

My daughter, the reader! :)

What a fun day we had with our darling Eden! Head on over to Arlee's page to see what she captured this month!

http://www.timandarlee.com/blog/

New.New.New!

We have officially welcomed Fall into the picture, here in West Michigan. A new season is exciting. Although I would consider myself a Spring/Summer kind of girl, there is still something refreshing about this cool weather. It makes me desire Pumpkin Spice coffee, camp fires, hoodies, and cool walks :).  We have also started a new semester in youth group. Mark leads worship, and will be teaching every other week. You can be praying for him as he spends time preparing messages, and works his job too! We are excited about this new semester in youth group, and being able to influence the teens God brings into our group.

Mark has recently started his new job at Hackley Hospital as a PCA (Personal Care Assistant). This is very similar to his other job as a CNA, but the hospitals call it another name. It has been a desire of Mark's for a while to work in the hospital. It seems like a great place to work,and it is 2 blocks from home! Also, there are great benefits, it's a good work environment, and a little bit of a pay increase. Mark will be working in the rehab unit, on third shift. We are not excited about the shift change, but feel like this new job is a move in the right direction. So you can pray for all of us as we adjust. He has finished his week of orientation filled with meetings, and computer testing. His first day on the rehab floor he shadowed a physical therapist. Since then, he has followed other PCAs on day shift. This will be his schedule for another week and a half. It was definitely a nice surprise for mark to have 2 extra weeks on day shift :). He will then transition to night shift and continue orienting till the end of October. Please pray that he would catch on quickly to his new job. They do some things differently in the rehab unit. Also, pray that Mark would be able to pick up shifts on top of his normal schedule; This is vital to our budget.

So if you missed our announcement a few weeks back, our family is growing yet again! Eden will have a sibling this coming March. We are thrilled for our newest addition. Life will be hectic for sure, but we are thankful for this blessing from the Lord. Mark and I have thoroughly enjoyed parenting Eden thus far, and look forward to growing in this as we take on 2 children :). The Lord will give us His grace for sure!

There ya have it folks! "NEW" is our word for this month! What's yours? 

September 10 on 10

Wow it's September already!? This means I must face the realization that Summer is over, and embrace the beautiful Fall weather and all the changes it brings. I must say it is refreshing and gets me excited to wear hoodies again, and drink warm apple cider :). The Fall usually brings back a sense of normalcy to our lives too. Most church programs start up again, which is very exciting, and also what I chose to capture in my photos this month. Our youth group Back 2 School Bash was Friday evening. We all had tons of fun! However, before a new year could begin, there was much cleaning and organizing that needed to be done in the YOUTH INC. room. So Last Wednesday youth group was not scheduled, and all the youth leaders gathered to spruce up and rearrange the youth room. Here are some pics from our fun night together, plus some of my adorable Eden :). She of course has to sneak into my pics!

Eden watching her Veggietales!

Dad starting her early. Look how focused she is!

Youth Group Logo.

By the end of the night all these rectangular tables were 2 floors above us,the foosball table moved to the back game room, the air hockey table was torn down, and all circular tables were moved to the game room :).

Love these words!

What a face Eden Grace! :)...She is leaning against the youth stage.

Taking down, and rearranging the tiles.  This was challenging at times. In the end we only  broke 1 I think :).

It's coming together...

New location for the stage, couches and chairs. The stage used to be up against the blue wall to the left.

You'd better believe we devoured our dinner!

Hope you enjoyed seeing our youth room through my eyes. Now head on over to Arlee's blog to see what she captured this month!

 http://www.timandarlee.com/blog/

August:10 on 10

Finally, here is my 10 on 10 (16 :) for August. Sorry ladies for being dreadfully late! Enjoy these pictures from our adventure to the Sleeping Bear Dunes. One of the most beautiful places in America! Although, we didn't get to see EVERYTHING, we still did see some amazing views! You would need a  few days to really capture and experience the beauty of this place. Pictures do not do it justice.  But I will try! Also, I had to settle for almost all horizontal pics, because most of them would not stay rotated once they were uploaded. Sad! :(. Oh well, ENJOY!! 

On the road!

We started our afternoon at the Dune Climb. My college roommate Merissa, joined us. She is here for the week! :)
(At the top of the 1st dune. Our car is down there...somewhere :)

WAY TO GO! We made it to the top of the 2nd Dune!

Surveying beauty on our trek. This may not look like a challenging hike, but I assure you it was. There is Lake Michigan off in the distance.

First stop on the scenic drive...After hours of climbing, it was nice to not have to walk so much to see such a gorgeous view!

The icing on top of the cake. We thoroughly enjoyed our time on this 450 foot Bluff! We even watched 2  people hang gliding off of it.

View from the top. It was just a gorgeous day!

A mammoth of a climb! Mark and I eventually did this together :).  

View from the bottom of the Bluff!

We made it to the bottom (The easy part)! Getting ready for our 450 foot climb back to the top. Yes those little specs are people at the top! It took us about 30 minutes to get back up!


So there you have it! If you haven't already...Check out Arlee's 10 on 10 for August!
http://www.timandarlee.com/blog/2012/08/13/10-on-10-august/