Monday, November 5, 2012

A Week of Heartache

::: A note to Noah :::
Noah Matthew Worth, my precious little boy!  I miss you beyond words.  I will never experience the joy of watching you grow up, or seeing you play soccer with your daddy.  Somehow though, for reasons that I cannot comprehend, God had other plans for you little one.  Your life, although short, has had an impact on many.  As each day passes, I continue to grieve your loss, but am thankful for the time I had with you! You will forever be a part of this family, and you will hold a special place in my heart. I hope and pray that the Savior's arms are holding you now and forever!
 Your Mom
Noah's arrival was like nothing I have ever experienced, nor want to again.  Unlike the joy of a full-term pregnancy, there was no joy in hearing his first cry, or seeing movement.  Everything was still.  Too still.  There was sorrow and grief, and more tears between Mark and I than we had ever shared before!  Monday October 29th, was by far the hardest day of my life!  But as I look back, God carried us through with such GRACE. He allowed us to have some healthy distractions while in the hospital.  Whether it was sharing Eden's birth story with our nurse, laughing with her, or having Eden come see us.  It was so good for us not to dwell every minute on the overwhelming reality we were facing.  The Lord also graciously gave us the wisdom to think through the decision that had to be made, about what we would do with our little one after he arrived.  He provided the time we needed alone to weep with our little boy.  I must share that God gave me a wonderful amazing husband who helped carry my burdens in the midst of his own grief.  In the throws of contractions he encouraged me, and told me what an amazing job I was doing!  He held my hand, and told me to breath deep and look into his eyes.  He so badly wanted to take on my physical pain, so that I didn't have to do it alone.  He did not pretend to be superman.  He supported me, but allowed me to see his vulnerability.  God gave me exactly the right husband, he was a tremendous support and still continues to be.

As each day passes, we continue to find ourselves in the valley.  One night I went upstairs and just collapsed on my bed in tears, Mark soon found me and we grieved together.  It is hard when we are both  overwhelmed with grief.  How is it possible to find the strength to be there for the other person?  We have completely come unraveled together, and times when there were no words the silence was filled with weeping.  I must say in the moments of uncontrollable emotion is when Mark and I are so completely united.  We come to the end of who we are.  We can't possibly hold on any longer.  So we lose it together, and the Lord just holds us. That is why we believe the Lord blessed us with the body of Christ.  It is a beautiful thing when we feel the love and support of others.  We simply can't do this alone!  The only reason this valley is bearable is because of the tremendous help of our friends and family.  Not only has the Lord been holding us continually, but it is through others that we tangibly feel HIS love!

We have found that "healthy distractions" are a wonderful thing.  Mark and I have so much enjoyed the friends and family who have visited us.  As much as we need to cry, there are times we just so badly need to laugh. We need to play a game, go to the store, hangout with friends, or just watch TV. We need to know that life can still be enjoyed in the midst of tragedy.  "Normal" everyday things are great, if balanced with time alone.  Even taking Eden on her first Tricker-treating experience was nice.  It allowed us to take part in something "normal", that so many others were taking part in. It was kind of a last minute decision, but we really enjoyed it. Plus, we got to enjoy the candy ;).

For us both, it seems that indulging in a few "comfort foods" this week has been very sweet, and helpful.  For example, the morning we left the hospital Mark took me out to breakfast.  That is NOT something we do, pretty much ever. But to be honest, we felt like we could just use a nice breakfast out, and a place to talk and process things together.  Although our budget  probably wouldn't have allowed it, in the moment we set that aside.  Also, a few times this week we have gotten Cappuccinos.  We have discovered we both enjoy them!  We're not into the gourmet coffee shop ones, but the cheap and extra sweet ones from the gas station are just great.  These are simple things really, but in the midst of all that is going on they have brought a little pleasure our way :).

Not only have I craved time alone with Mark, everyday activities with others, and comfort food. I soon realized that I wanted some kind of change in my life. Maybe this is more of a woman thing :). I think as women when we are working through a hard situation, or starting something new, there is something exciting about changing something about us too. For me, it was a haircut. I have wanted one for a while, but somehow felt this week was a very appropriate time to get one. Change is so very good for me. By no means do I want to move on and forget the situation we are in, but being refreshed in a new way seems to have been helpful in my healing thus far.

So whether you have faced similar tragedy, or not. Remember there is no road map for grieving. It comes in all shapes and sizes; in huge overwhelming waves of emotion and simple tearful moments of sadness. I have to constantly remind myself that this is not a one day, week, month or year process! Surely I know with the Lord's help the days will get easier. But there will always be a place in my heart that aches for Noah.  I simply will never forget him, and I don't want to.

I am realizing that grief is not meant to be carried alone. So please I beg you in the Lord, continue to lift us up in prayer!

1 comment:

  1. just saw the news and caught up w the last week, my heart aches and I lift you in prayer for the peace that passes all understanding to shine on you. Much love and hugs to you all! may others be blessed with the grace and understanding you have and find understanding through. wish i was there to encourage you in person! love you all! Christine O.L.